Alanna: The First Parody
by Vana Burke
Summary: Alanna goes to the castle in Corus to become a knight, but a bunch of wacky events change her life...


Chapter 1

          Alanna of Jamesbond sighed. She should've known; Coram always acted like this when he had a bit too much wine.  

          "Uh, huh, yup!" grinned Coram with a goofy grin on his face.  "You go right ahead, laddie boy, and off you go to the castle in Chorus."

          "Coram..." she began cautiously.

          "Don't worry, Thom-" Alanna rolled her eyes for at least the twentieth time in an hour.  Coram thought she was her brother! _This isn't good, she thought. "-ye'll do fine, but don't forget to bring back some of the king's finest brandy."_

          "Okay, think about this," she said aloud to herself.

          "I'm glad you're not panicing," said a voice from behind her.  Alanna whirled around. It was Maude, the local hedgewitch who taught Alanna and Thom the Gift. 

          "What're _you doing here?" Alanna asked crossly.  _

          "Just making sure you're okay. I had a hunch that your father's best brandy might have put Coram in a loop."

          "Is the whole _village following me as well?"  _

          Maude chuckled. "No need for anger, dear. You didn't really want to ride with a drunken Coram for days, did you? Never mind, don't answer me."

          "_Anyways, can you fix Coram?" Alanna was concerned about her chaperone. He was odd enough to start with._

          "I'll try, but things often get a little goofy with him and magic."

          "You know he objects to it."

          "Well then we'd better get along with it. I'm glad I brought some herbs for just in case." At this Alanna felt a twinge of disappointment- in herself. Though she was Coram's responsibility, she felt she should look out for him, at least when he was out of his senses.

          Maude's hair turned a bright color of green. Alanna stared. She'd never seen something like this happen before. "Oh, don't worry," Maude chirped cheerfully. "Comes right out with a little Stormwing waste." Alanna blanched.

          Slowly Coram's eyes became less glazed over. Then he leapt to his feet. "What're you _doing?!" he shouted. "And what's with your hair?"_

          "Perhaps I shouldn't have done this," muttered Maude. "Then he wouldn't be jabbering about. Oh well, easy to fix. Darling Alanna, get me some feshek root, would you, please? I believe it grows just along this road, not back home in Jamesbond."

          Alanna found it easily. It grew in a distinctive red heart shape. She gathered several plants and gave them to Maude.

          "Now, dear, after I say the chant, I want you to hide like your life depends on it. If you don't, the results will be dire."

          Alanna peered out from behind a large tree at Maude. Green and red fire streamed from Maude's manicured fingernails to Coram. A bright light flashed from Coram's now green hair, and Maude jumped to her feet. She ran towards Alanna, but tripped over a root sticking out of the ground. Green light streamed from Coram and soaked into her. "Uh oh," said Maude.

          Coram stood. "Ah, my darling, you're back." Alanna's eyes opened to the size of gold nobles for only the hundredth time that day. 

          "This is what I meant  by dire consequences," explained Maude as Coram smiled sweetly at her.

          "Sweet Maude, your eyes are as bright as a flaming arrow in an enemy horse. Your hair as green as a tilting field on a summer eday. Your lips as red as Stormwing blood." _This is what they meant when they said you could get the soilder out of the battlefield, but not the battlefield out of the soilder, Alanna thought. _

          "Well, honey, I rather enjoy this change in you," cooed Maude. Alanna's jaw dropped. Never would she have thought Maude and Coram would talk nicely to each other.

          "How does a romantic evening of scouting the enemy sound to you?" asked Coram.

          "Are you asking me out?" replied Maude.

          "Well, when you put it that way," Coram laughed. Maude hid a giggle and said, "Come on, dear, let's go."

          "Ummm, hello?" asked Alanna, edging into the road where Maude and Coram stood flirting. "Someone needs to come with me to Chorus."

          "Why, hon'? We're staying here." asked Maude in Coram's arms.

          "I'm going to be a knight, remember?!" Alanna could barely put up with Maude and Coram as a couple. Now, this was the last straw. "LISTEN TO ME!!!!!" she yelled so loudly that birds in the trees scattered.

          Green stuff flew out of Coram and Maude and disappeared in the air. Coram and Maude froze and untangled themselves from their kiss. 

          "I can't believe this!" stormed Coram and Maude in rages.

          "Join the club," said Alanna. "Now, to Chorus?" 

          "To Chorus," said Coram. "But you, Maude, should go home before something happens with that dratted magic of yours."

          "Gladly," Maude replied. "Goodbye, and good luck." Then she left.

* * *

          The road to Chorus was long and hard, especially since Maude's "cure" for Coram's hangover was a failure. Coram was already a danger on horseback, now he was drunk and twice as hazardous. 

          "Coram!" Alanna yelled, her voice getting hoarse. Coram had made his horse trip over garter snakes, roots, stones, even its own feet with his bad handling. At his best, Coram would swerve right and left, often bumping into Alanna's horse, Chubby. 

          "What is it, lass?" asked Coram. Alanna sighed inwardly; despite his haphazard horseriding skills, he at least knew who she was.

          "If you're going to be riding that poor horse all the way to Corus the way you are now, I think we ought to stop at a local inn so he can have a rest," she said, talking more about herself than the horse.

          "If you say so, Alanna," agreed Coram. "I could use a drink." Alanna rolled her eyes. Yeah right, she thought. 

          They rode on about a half mile more until they came to an inn. It was nearly dark, and they needed to stop somewhere.

          "I think we'll stay here for the night," announced Alanna rather than asking. It looked like a cozy place; the path leading to the stables was well worn, there were small children playing in the yard, and it looked pretty clean and well kept. They rode up to the stables, where a smiling middle-aged woman came out and greeted them.

          "Welcome to the-" 

          "Uuuggghh," groaned Coram, rolling his head around.

          "Is he _drunk?" asked a girl only a little younger than Alanna, disgusted. "He looks simply repulsive!" _

          Alanna had been edgy and annoyed the whole day, and this was her breaking point. "I don't care if you think he looks like a gods-cursed _____!" she roared, "We're taking a room tonight, so _live with it!" The little girl shyed away, but the middle-aged woman became almost as angry as Alanna was._

          "Don't talk to my daughter like that!" she yelled, furious. "She's only a little girl speaking her mind, and that man _does look horrendous!" _

          "Have it your way, then! You just gave 10 gold nobles to your competition!" Alanna shouted angrily, turning her horse so quickly it reared and whinnied. Alanna hung on, glaring daggers at the woman. She put Coram's horse into a gallop and she and Coram left.

          Traveling down the road, Alanna realized there wasn't another inn in miles. Turning back to the one they'd already been to was not an option; Alanna had her dignity. "Coram," she sighed, "we'll just have to camp out tonight." 

          "We can handle bandits and whatever the Goddess throws at us," said Coram, thumping his chest.

          "Great," mumbled Alanna. "I wasn't even thinking of _that until..." her voice trailed off. "I can't handle this," she wailed as tears started to drip down her face. Cheeks flaming, she hoped not another living soul would ever se her like this. Now completely ashamed of herself, she flung herself on the hard forest floor and cried herself to sleep._


End file.
